Inflicting Shame And Pain (on Bullies) Won’t Solve NZ’s Bullying Problem

Sagas such as that of Labour MP Gaurav Sharma and other stories about bullies and bullying will continue to make headlines in New Zealand until people are taught the mental skills they need to protect themselves—and for as long as we continue to shame, expel, and punish the bullies themselves.

Simone-Ellen Keller, personal transformation strategist and founder of Genius You—a framework for self-understanding and development—said that bullying is as old as humanity, and we still don't have a solution because people aren't taught the necessary skills.

“We focus on attempting to get bullies to stop the behaviour, rather than teaching all people the necessary skills to help stop it from happening.

"Bullying is a defence system that some people use to protect themselves from pain (or emotions they can’t handle.) Their victims will always suffer until they learn the tools to process their own emotions and turn them into a strength so they can protect themselves in the future.”

Keller said everybody has the ability to bully; we all experience the emotions and have the storylines necessary to allow it to happen.

“The only way we can make sure we don’t do this behaviour, is if we are aware of ourselves. And that has to be the choice of the person. You cannot change a person’s behaviour without them being willing to examine the storylines that allow them to conduct this behaviour. They have to be prepared to look at it. Most aren’t willing, until they are able to see that the behaviour is hurting them, as much as the victim,” Keller said.

People need training and insight to self-observe, identify, and understand their feelings and behaviours and use those as a signal to investigate the causes, take action and change the 'inner storyline' they tell themselves.

Keller said that only when we can stand back and observe a situation rationally can we begin to understand cause and effect. From that knowledge comes the power to change outcomes.

Unfortunately, most bullies are unable to do the work necessary to make these changes. The irony is that, unlike their victims, they’re too scared to look internally. Until such skill development becomes part of the national syllabus, she offers the following tactics to the victims of bullying:

1. Recondition the emotion

Bullying triggers fear, which is perceived as a negative emotion by many, but it is actually an important emotion that our minds use to warn us about danger.

"Don't run away from the fear because it will dominate you—just as you don't turn your back on a dangerous animal. Usually, fear is your mind's way of telling you that you are not resourced for the situation. Once you know that, you can explore ways to get better resources. This will build confidence."

2. Grab shame

Keller said the most powerful way to overcome the feelings of fear and shame that bullying may induce is to develop a relationship with these emotions.

"Sit in the shame and fear. Listen to them, don't run. When you become familiar with these emotions and what they are trying to say, you will get power over them—in the same way soldiers learn to do their job despite the fear.

3. Tell new stories

Keller said that bullies could, unwittingly, tap into negative stories we've been telling ourselves from early childhood. Often these are false and are primarily based on what others said, what we heard, and how our child's mind interpreted things that happened to us.

"Face these stories, interrogate them and spend time with them. When we do this, we can turn these once terrifying emotions we experience into tools we can use. Ask yourself where your feelings (your stories) are coming from, why you feel this way and what you can do to change what's happening.

"Our approach has been to punish bullies and mollycoddle victims, but that does nothing to stop the behaviour or heal the pain. Both parties need to understand their emotions better, then they can use them to move onwards and upwards rather than getting dragged down,” Keller said.

Genius You is a programme designed to unlock the ‘genius and brilliance’ inherent to every human being by helping us understand ourselves and how to overcome our mind’s defence system. By using our emotions constructively, we can enjoy healthy relationships, be more resilient and productive and achieve our goals.