Family Rifts: The path to reconciliation starts with us

I've noticed that many Kiwis, about 30 per cent, have experienced the painful reality of family estrangement. This often happens between parents and children or siblings, and it can last for decades or sometimes never be resolved. However, it is a problem that can be addressed if at least one person is willing to confront their own emotions.

I believe that one person's behaviour can significantly impact the entire family, for better or worse. By changing how we respond to situations, we can influence positive changes in others.

There are many reasons why family rifts occur: divorce, money issues, perceived favouritism, unaddressed neurodiversity, business deals, stress, parenting challenges, and personal criticism. These pressures can lead to tension, angry communication, and conflict.

Often, these pressures result in missed signals and unresolved issues, creating negative ripples throughout the family. Turning these negative ripples into positive ones requires knowing what to do when you feel stuck.

To make matters worse, most families assume nothing negative will happen. When it does, they often don't know how to react. Having the right problem-solving tools can help families become stronger and more resilient.

The traditional approach of addressing one person within a family is not enough. Families in conflict should consider the family as a whole unit. One person might go into victim mode while others try to help, creating a cycle of helplessness. Instead, those in positions of respect should lead by example rather than avoiding the issue. If somebody else is the problem, instead of demanding they change, why not consider changing your behaviour? Reconciliation comes from acknowledging our role in the dispute—it's not about accepting blame but about considering the whole dynamic.

In family rift or estrangement, it can help to lean into the emotions we're trying to escape, such as fear or lack of control. Our personal feelings can often hinder our ability to find solutions. Acknowledging and addressing these feelings can help us better navigate our challenges.

Seeking help is another crucial step. Speak to those who have faced similar challenges. Experts may not have climbed the same mountains we have, but those with similar experiences can offer valuable guidance.

Mending family rifts starts with looking at our behaviour and actions before we can help others. Playing the victim is a defensive behaviour. By embracing every emotion and seeking support, families can unlock their full potential and lead more fulfilling lives.