Lessons from loss: Overcoming avoidance in business
I often say we don’t live on a planet with 8 billion other people, we live on a planet with 8 billion other worlds!
Why? Because each person’s mind creates their own reality. Our minds interpret the world around us, and from these interpretations, our thoughts and behaviours shape our lives. In the process, we unknowingly confirm and strengthen what we already believe.
Our minds also have a special trick: they have an inbuilt system designed to keep us away from interpretations we don’t like. Put simply, our minds allow us to see only what we're comfortable seeing.
These are some of the reasons why personal growth and transformation can feel so challenging. We often can’t see clearly enough to use our incredible mental abilities to make meaningful change.
Genius You helps you overcome this by teaching you how to track your thinking, behaviour, and emotions in a systematic way. It’s like learning to see the cause and effect behind your actions, understanding the ingredients of your experience, and then observing the outcome.
Let me share a story about a man I deeply respect—someone who has become a wonderful friend. This man has struggled with avoidance for most of his life. Every coach or advisor he worked with tried to help him address this issue, but it wasn’t the root of the problem. The real issue was that he couldn’t see it clearly enough to change it.
I was in my mid-20s when my dad became very ill with tuberculosis and emphysema. He would be sick for some years, but at almost level (obliviously), I never accepted it—even though my girlfriend had to talk my brother through CPR over the phone.
At some level psychological level, I did not believe. He was admitted to the hospital several times, and I would visit with my mum, but it never occurred to me that at any stage it could be the last time I saw him. Then one night we got the call that my dad was dead.
I was in shock. Disbelief. I couldn’t believe what just happened. Worse, I realised I had missed opportunities to spend quality time with him; to say goodbye.
Avoidance: The silent roadblock
Three years ago, after suffering a brain aneurysm (subarachnoid haemorrhage), I met Simone-Ellen Keller, a brand specialist and founder of Genius You—a system that empowers personal transformation through self-understanding and development.
What I learned was that I was engaging in ‘avoidance’ behaviour—a coping mechanism where I was actively ‘running away’ from certain emotions. Emotional avoidance is where put your hands over your ears and go ‘nah, nah, nah – I can’t hear you!’
It’s strange because ‘fear’ as I saw was not something I particularly subscribed to. If I was sent to the headmaster for a canning, I went happily – I would rush to trouble to get the words over and done with. The thing is that is a form of avoidance too because it meant I never had to deal with the ‘why’ I was getting caned (which happened frequently).
The problem is that ‘avoidance’ can really mess things up, from relationships and romance to finances, work, personal growth and missed opportunities. I was blessed because my relationships have always been really healthy (it helps to like people). Business, work and finance however was another matter.
Business coaches and advisors had come and gone. None of them had much, if any impact. I’d been moderately successful, but only in so far that I got what was necessary done. The result was that I felt stuck and frustrated – I knew I was capable of so much more, but always seemed to be spinning my wheels.
What I learned from doing Genius You with Simone is that emotions are critical to how we navigate life, yet for the most part we’re oblivious to try to interpret the message our emotions are trying to communicate; they are signals to get us to change certain behaviours. Yet we spend our lives ignoring them, running away from them, medicating them and or abusing substances to numb them.
I spent my time avoiding them.
Emotions are not good or bad, they just are. Simone taught me to listen to my emotions, to trace where they were coming from, for example, a learned behaviour I never questioned, the result of an experience or trauma or simply my subconscious mind trying to steer me in a certain direction.
One of my avoidance tactics was to be ‘agreeable’. I always see the other side of the story, sometimes much more than is warranted. The result was that I didn’t fight to ‘get my way’ or persist towards outcomes more favourable to me (it’s not always a good thing).
I’m not afraid of conflict with somebody who is hostile, but when it came to conflict with somebody I know, like clients, I would roll over (again, that’s not always a good thing). For example, it was easy to beat me down on price, to get me to over-deliver beyond what was reasonable, to charge a lot less than I was worth.
Always putting myself in the other person’s shoes was and is an avoidance tactic.
Listening to emotions: A tool for transformation
Here are three things I learned from the Genius You programme with Simone-Ellen Keller:
1. Avoidance hinders progress: Ignoring emotions and challenges leads to stagnation.
Tip: Identify avoidance behaviours and face issues directly to drive personal and professional growth.
2. Emotions are signals: Listening to emotions can guide better decisions.
Tip: Reflect on feelings to uncover hidden motivations and adjust strategies accordingly.
3. Value yourself: Over-delivering or undercharging devalues your expertise.
Tip: Set clear boundaries and fair pricing to maintain mutual respect with clients.
Sometimes, you have to stand in your own shoes.