How to survive the Christmas nightmare of family gatherings

Christmas is called the crazy season for most people because underlining the traffic and the stress is a layer of heightened emotion and expectations that don't match reality which leads to family blow-outs, hurt and anger--particularly when you pull a bunch of people together at family gatherings.

Simone-Ellen Keller, a personal transformation strategist and CEO of Genius You – a company that teaches people how the mind works and how to use it to uncover their brilliance by using emotions constructively – said the expectations we arrive with at family gatherings are forcing people to deal with a level of emotion most are not equipped to handle.

"Our expectation of Christmas begins early. We're five years old, and everything is about lollies, Santa Clause, gifts and the Christmas trees. Many people would remark that Christmas day is their earliest and fondest memory, but by the time you have children and then teenagers, the cost, the stress, the hard work of cooking and cleaning, fetching and carrying – and the conflicts – have worn you down.

But most of us go into Christmas anyway, particularly the family gathering, with that same child-like expectation of wonder, mystery and love. Then reality bites, and it all comes crashing down because the reality is it’s hard work, people are packed in together, and the alcohol is flowing."

Keller said it’s a day of heightened emotions and expectations and an opportunity to trigger many people that we care about deeply. There are moments of joy, but scorched almonds alone are not enough.

Everybody wants the emotions they felt at the age of five; love, warmth, wonder and the joy of Christmas they recall from childhood.

"An expectation set in childhood and hard-wired into you is not the reality, which can trigger negative emotions like anger, jealousy, hurt, rejection and frustration. As with all negative emotions, it is important to listen to what they are trying to tell you rather than avoiding them, as we tend to do."

Keller offers the following tips to help people survive the nightmare Christmas gatherings.

1. Set new expectations for yourself

The first mistake is to see Christmas as a time of gifts, good food and fun, expecting that these will deliver love, happiness and excitement.

"Things won't make you happy, but people do. Decide what emotions you want to feel and create ideas to help generate those emotions. Perhaps you want to feel anticipation or nostalgia. What can you introduce in terms of your attitude, approach and activity to engender those feelings? Nostalgia, for example, can come through music, photos or an old video.

"Think back, and you will notice that it isn't the presents you recall but the good feelings. Go out and make them again."

2. Proactively deal with the negative

Keller advises against going into your Christmas family gathering expecting the worst and promising to give so-and-so a piece of your mind if they say or do something that makes you feel horrible.

"Stand back and examine your negative emotions and thoughts to understand what may be triggering them and what your mind may be trying to tell you. It may be that the so-and-so is coming from a place of fear and insecurity, and you can help them allay those bad feelings rather than making it worse by reacting with anger.

"We can't always change or put up with bad behaviour, but we can always retreat and refuse to participate. Focus instead on the people who bring out the best in you."

3. Share the load

It is time to share the load if you have to do all the work. Assign tasks before the big day and make sure everybody knows their responsibility.

"Spread the load widely so that more people have less to do. By making the work negligible for everybody, everybody gets to have a good time – including you. When people turn up, remind them of the task, set a time and follow it up."

Keller said people behave badly because we allow it, even participate in it. By enabling it, we have made it acceptable.

"Take the power back. All people want is love. Learn how to bring out the best in others by focusing on the people who act the best."

More information here: https://www.geniusyou.co.nz/