Men need permission to use their emotions, as well as women

Male suicide and depression rates could be drastically reduced—and men could get more out of their relationships—if they were permitted to use their emotions the same way as women. Men are twice as likely to commit suicide as women, and that needs to change. 

Globally, one man dies from suicide every second, and almost seven out of every ten suicides are by men. In New Zealand, males report lower rates of depression than females, and men accounted for roughly three-quarters (72%) of suicides in 2020, according to the Ministry of Justice.  

According to the American Psychological Association, an estimated 9% of men feel depression or anxiety each day, while 30.6 per cent of men experience a bout of depression during their lifetime.  

High rates of male depression couldn’t – and shouldn’t – be blamed on a single factor since the issue is multivariant and individual-specific. Giving men a way to tap into their reservoir of emotions and use them as tools could significantly improve mental health in New Zealand.  

It’s a myth that men don’t feel emotions. Although the primary symptom of depression is often a feeling of sadness, men are more prone to anger, demonstrating aggressive feelings and engaging in substance abuse.  

These are all natural emotions, but just because they are natural doesn’t mean it is commonly understood how to deal with those emotions. 

Emotions mustn’t be considered an obstacle or hindrances to a good life. Indeed, when emotions are dealt with healthily, they can be used as a universal language and even as a tool for achieving success.  

It’s a bit of a generalisation, but women tend to receive a lot of encouragement about strategically deploying their emotions throughout their lives. This can be wonderfully empowering. 

But while women tend to have ‘permission’ to develop a glossary of emotions and use them to their greatest advantage, it’s often the opposite for men, who often associate emotions with weakness or failure. 

Emotions are a significant factor in how people interpret the world. They can be a way for humans to connect at a level above the verbal. They are also a deep thread across everything from sales, marketing, politics, business funding, and much else.  

By either refusing to tap into emotions or never learning how many men miss out on an essential guide for successfully navigating life.  

My father’s generation was never told they were loved. Yet we judge them for not using a tool they were never taught to use. They often achieve great professional success but, along the way, never find the time to develop the emotional glossary to enjoy that success to its fullest.  

For the sake of future generations, we must embrace the idea that the most valuable education is to know how to use our emotions – both men and women – to ensure we all reach our highest potential.  

Here’s some advice for anyone hoping to help the men in their lives engage more closely with their emotions.  

1. Understand men  

The two sexes inhabit very different worlds, with other pressures and responsibilities. Understanding the male perspective is the first step to finding places in their lives that benefit from greater emotional intelligence.  

Emotions should neither be bottled up nor released uncontrollably. Emotions are guides and keys to locks that can’t be opened any other way. Thinking about using emotions strategically can be much more attractive for men, which means they are more likely to engage with them. 

2. Stop judging  

When men ‘close up,’ they generally aren’t doing that due to spite or belligerence. Instead, when men can’t cope with the emotions of a crisis or precarious moment, they appear not to care.    

The illusion that men retreat into themselves rather than feel emotions is an illusion. They only appear to be apathetic because they were never given permission to use their emotions and were never taught how to do this positively. 

3. Talk honestly  

While it’s often the last thing men want to do, talking about emotions is not a waste of time. Scientific evidence shows that talking to another person can be enormously helpful for mental health.  

Talking about personal stuff can feel uncomfortable. But it’s good to remember that learning to channel emotions is not really about us; it’s about the future. By talking honestly, we will model a much healthier behaviour pattern for our kids.