How to overcome a child's defiance

By Simone-Ellen Keller 

As a parent, I understand how confronting and disempowering it can be when a child refuses to follow our instructions or those of their teachers. Most of us tend to revert to some form of punishment to get compliance. However, I believe that there is another way to approach this situation. Instead of seeing a child's defiance as a bad thing, we can view it as a legitimate form of learning for the child. 

Dealing with defiance is an opportunity to teach children about their emotions and the effects they have on other people. Smacking is no longer an alternative, and justifiably so – because smacking comes from a position of anger, not love. Instead, we have an opportunity to rely on an in-built system that appeals to the emotions of the child. We need to substitute discipline for parenting. Defiance is a learning opportunity. 

Picking the best parenting option to fit the exact situation of defiance can take practice. But getting the fundamentals right can make this much easier. At the core of everything a child does is their desire to receive love from their parents. When they behave well, they get love. But equally, when their behaviour is less desirable, it's not because they want to be bad; it's because they're feeling vulnerable and trying to attract the love they need. 

When we know the purpose of their behaviour, we can help nurture them at a whole different level of effectiveness and help them use their emotions positively to grow into amazing humans. Their emotions can be used as a moral guide for their own development. 

Your job as a parent is to understand these signals while knowing that children aren't emotionally mature enough to communicate their worries accurately. Just try to understand that everything they do comes down to their desire to be loved.  

Most families would resonate with the situation of inter-sibling rivalry that sometimes can lead to breakouts of violence. The reaction of a parent in these crucial moments can do either a lot of harm or a lot of good. 

If one of your children hits their sibling, yelling at the one who used violence only substitutes their current emotion of anger towards more defiance. But every child will feel bad after they strike another person. By understanding that the child was only acting violently because they couldn't control their emotions, the wise parent should focus on the child's innate feeling of self-recrimination as a way to help the child examine and change their behaviour. 

By defusing the emotion of anger and revealing the deeper emotion of "yuck" felt by the child at what they did, the parent can let the child teach themselves a good reason why violence is bad because, for example, it may make them feel shame. That lesson will be much stronger throughout their life than yelling 'don't hit other people'. Children aren't sophisticated enough to understand hypotheticals like this. But they will feel negative emotions when they do something bad, and those are excellent opportunities for growth.   

Here are a few pieces of advice for parents interested in coping better with defiant children: 

1. Work on yourself first — Proper discipline starts with the parents. Since the parent is an adult, it is on them to understand the world from their children's perspective. If you cannot hold your child accountable because you can't face an emotion yourself, then you're lost. Parents must take responsibility for their emotions, just as they take responsibility for what the child eats. It is on you to understand your emotions, so they don't cloud your reaction. 

2. Rethink good parenting — Humans are creatures of mimicry and by setting a good example of self-examination, awareness and a considered approach to problems (like defiance) you pass those qualities and learning on to your children. Ask yourself, what kind of person would you like your child to be when they grow up? Try to be that person. 

3. Have faith in your children — Discipline is a crucial aspect of parenting as it teaches children responsibility and the difference between right and wrong. However, it's a fine line between guiding and harming them. Without constant forethought and strategic planning, disciplinary actions can exacerbate defiance and confusion.   

As parents, we should have faith in our children's innate capacity to learn and grow, nurturing their emotional discipline, and avoiding causing pain and harm without clear objectives. Our goal should be to improve them as human beings.